I knew it...

I jinxed myself.

I was seriously considering adding "I've decided not to do anything else for the rest of the day for fear that my luck may change." To the end of my previous post but I didn't want to jinx myself. Turns out the thought of it alone was enough.

Almost immediately I became hormonal and moody. I could tell from my increasing impatience and my sudden urge to cry. Typically I would consider myself a patient person (though I must admit it decreased significantly as I started my relationship with Kimmie. That may sound mean but she knows what I'm referring to.) but the intense need for a response notified me of a swift change. I sat watching, but paying very little attention, to the first season of Charmed. My laptop sitting open on the coffee table kept stealing my attention. There were times where I obsessively refreshed my e-mail hoping for a response.

One of those times I received one. Although not the one I had been looking for. Instead it was an announcement from my new government professor. As I read over it my heart began to pound. I'm very much looking forward to starting classes but I am also terrified. I don't want to fail again. I know it sounds incredibly negative, I really am not a negative person for the most part, but I just want so badly to improve myself that I think I may be setting myself up for disappointment.

I don't get it really. I couldn't be happier with everything in my life... except for me. I have a wonderful family. My husband, my parents, my grandparents, my sister and brother, my uncles and my aunts, my in-laws... they are all amazing people. All of them love me very much and all of them are always there for me. I have the most fantastic friends I could ever ask for. I'm sure by now you're wondering where the bad in this is... well I will tell you.

Even though I am incredibly happy with all of that part of me is absolutely miserable. Why? I'm an almost 21 year old, license lacking, opportunity ruining, procrastinating, out of shape loser. Don't get me wrong, I am trying to change all that. I guess my point is though, that I should never have let it get this far. I should have tried harder when I had my opportunity to go to college for free. I shouldn't have let fear paralyze me with my driving. I should have hung out with my mom in the kitchen more and learned how to cook. I should have paid more attention when I had the amazing opportunity to learn Japanese the last time I lived here... actually the last two times I lived here. I am just so ashamed of myself for some of those decisions. Obviously now more than ever I am determined to do these things now. I guess on the bright side it is a good thing I screwed up so early. Now I have time to redeem myself but at the expense of certain things I would have rather not done.

I know part of the reason I'm taking this so hard is because I'm hormonal, but the truth is this is always in the back of my mind. Always. It just silently tortures me sometimes. Part of the reason sometimes my mood is unpredictable and a lot of the reason I have trouble sleeping at night. Most of the time I am incredibly happy, but there are those days where I just want to sleep for days. Today is one of those days. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Until then...